Fearless

Every life has a story and every story is different of course. And while parts of my story are still hard to share, I feel it is important to do so because while my story is about me it is not for me. Our story is to be told so we can help someone else. In our stories there are lessons to be learned. So I have to be fearless.

Who I am today is not defined by my past. My story is still being written and I hold the pen. I believe I am here to do great things and so are you. I believe that we are the masters of our own life and that we have the power to co-create our life in partnership with the divine.

I would never want to relive the trauma, the violence, the fear or the shame again. And I can also say my experience has taught me so much about who I am, who I am not and who I want to be. My experience brought me closer to God and has made me more grateful for the littlest things in life. I appreciate everything, everyone and every experience I am given because there were times when I could not see a future.

The night I left my first husband with the police in my living room was the toughest decision I ever had to make. Believe me, I wanted to leave. Get as far away as I could with my girls. I used to daydream about it every day, but I also felt terrified. I was terrified of what he would do to me if I actually tried to leave. I was scared for my life. I was scared that he would take my kids away from me. And I was scared that I didn’t have what it takes to survive. He convinced me of that. He told me every day that I was nothing, that I was useless and stupid and no one cared about me. I allowed him to take everything from me. My friends, my family, my self-confidence, my voice and my ability to dream. I also believed that I had nowhere to go and no one to go to.

You see as bad as life was…it was all I knew. It was predictable. I could navigate it. I could sense when trouble was coming. I knew what to expect …sort of. But the thought of leaving and starting over …that was really scary. That was unknown and unpredictable. I was made to believe that I couldn’t do it alone. I was told by my abuser that I wasn’t strong enough or smart enough to leave him and take care of my children without him. He told me no one would love me or want me. And many times he told me he would kill me if I did try to leave.

I hated my life with him, but I knew God had a bigger purpose for me. I just didn’t know how to get there.

I never believed I deserved any of the abuse I got but…I was too afraid to leave so I allowed it to happen. Abuse is usually not about violence. It IS about control, manipulation and power …and the abuser uses violence as a tool to gain the power and control they want over their victim. They instill fear in their victim to the point that it keeps them stuck. Fear is such a powerful thing. It will paralyze you. It breeds in action and in ability to make decisions … in any circumstance.

You understand that don’t you? We have all experienced fear in our lives. So many of you are struggling with it right now somehow. Fear of failure, fear of rejection- fear of success ….

It is a heavy burden, now add the threat of physical violence and emotional abuse to your fear… how would you feel? Fear paralyzes you. And it changes you. And the abuser is counting on it. They also count on the humiliation you feel. The humiliation makes you fear judgement.

The reason I could not tell anyone what I was going through at that time; wasn’t because I did not want out of my abusive situation; it was because I was afraid of what they would think of me for allowing myself and my children to be subjected to it for so long. I did not want people to believe I was weak. I was afraid to ask for help because I did not think anyone would understand.

I will tell you that after I did leave, I learned that some people were compassionate and supportive. And I learned that what I feared about others judgement was also true. I can remember sitting in front of someone who worked for Social Services two days after I left my home. I went because a friend of mine told me they would help me. I was told I did not qualify for assistance because I owned a car even though at the time I was not working. Then she asked me “If you were being abused for 10 years, why didn’t you leave sooner.”

That question shattered what little dignity I had left at that time. She obviously did not understand the cycle of victimization.

I implore you to never make assumptions about abuse or an abuser or a victim. It can be happening to anyone from anywhere at anytime. If you met me today, would you guess my story correctly?

Maybe not now. But maybe not then either. I did a great job of hiding it….it was the beginning of me being a survivor. Ironically it was the beginning of me being fearless. I just didn’t know it then.

Women who are abused are strong and they are resilient, they are fierce. They have to be in order to survive. Some people think that victims are weak. Not true …and if they are mothers they have to be even stronger for their children.

I believe women of all walks of life are fierce! And we should support that in each other and remind ourselves of our fierce fearlessness! Sometimes we do forget it though. I know I did for a while. I worked hard to find may way back to myself over the years and to forgive myself and more importantly love myself again. I found my voice and I am not afraid to use it!

That is why I am not afraid to share my story. I am not afraid of being judged anymore. I know there are more people out there who offer love, support and understanding than those who don't. I choose not to be affected by what others think any longer.

There are a lot of details that I have left out of my story today. Details that would describe the abuse, anguish and challenges of being with an abusive partner. Details that would be hard to hear and scary to share. However, that is not the message I am intending here. That is not the part of the story I want you to know about.

I am excited and humbled to know that I can use my story to help even just one person. Whether it is to help another woman who is going through only what another survivor can truly understand or just to help someone understand what true compassion is. I am also happy to use my story and my experiences to encourage and inspire others to live an audacious life.

Don’t play small. We are only here once. There were many bleak times in my past and I often could not see past the next day and now I live an incredible life. A life I could never have imagined. What if I had given up and never became fiercely determined to rebuild my life? What are we missing out on when we put ourselves last?

A lot has happened in 22 years…and my story is still being written. The chapters since 1998 have gotten much easier to share. I met the love of my life in 1999, married him in 2003 and gained a son. I was filled with peace and joy as I watched my new husband love and care for my children as his own. I grew stronger and more hopeful each day. And I learned to dream again.

Many people tell me today they have never met anyone as positive as I am. I always smile and say it is a choice to be happy. I have so much to be grateful for. Life is good. 

I have hope. I have grown professionally as much as personally these last 22 years …

I have achieved great success in business, I am inspired to help people discover the possibilities within themselves each and every day.

I am a survivor of domestic violence and I am not alone. We are all survivors of something, I am sure. Be fearless in the pursuit of your dreams. Be fiercely compassionate for others and recognize the beauty in your own story.