How to Give Feedback Without Creating Defensiveness

Feedback is essential for growth, improvement, and maintaining healthy relationships—whether in the workplace, in personal life, or in any situation that requires collaboration. However, giving feedback can be tricky. When not done correctly, it can lead to defensiveness, resentment, and even conflict. Understanding why people become defensive and employing strategies to avoid triggering this reaction can make feedback more effective and productive.

Why Do People Become Defensive to Feedback?

Defensiveness is a natural human response when we feel threatened, criticized, or attacked. It's a protective mechanism, often rooted in fear, insecurity, or a perceived loss of control. Several factors contribute to this reaction:

1. Ego and Self-Esteem: When feedback challenges someone's self-image or self-worth, it can be difficult for them to accept. They may feel that their competence, abilities, or character are being questioned.
2. Past Experiences: If someone has had negative experiences with feedback in the past—perhaps it was delivered harshly or unfairly—they may be more prone to defensiveness in future situations.
3. Lack of Trust: If the person receiving feedback doesn't trust the intentions of the feedback giver, they may interpret the feedback as a personal attack rather than constructive criticism.
4. Fear of Change: Feedback often implies that something needs to change. For many, change can be intimidating or uncomfortable, leading to resistance and defensiveness.

Tips for Giving Feedback That Avoids Defensiveness

1. Start with Positive Intent: Begin the conversation by expressing your intentions clearly. Let the person know that your goal is to help them grow, not to criticize them. For example, “I want to share some thoughts that might help you improve your work on this project.”
2. Be Specific and Objective: Focus on specific behaviors or actions rather than generalizations. Instead of saying, “You’re always late,” say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been arriving late to our last three meetings.” This helps to avoid making the person feel personally attacked.
3. Use “I” Statements: Frame your feedback in terms of your own observations and feelings rather than accusing the other person. For example, “I felt concerned when the report was late because it affected our timeline,” instead of, “You’re irresponsible for submitting the report late.”
4. Encourage Dialogue: Make the feedback a two-way conversation. Ask for their perspective and listen actively. This shows respect for their viewpoint and can reduce feelings of being attacked. For example, “What do you think might have caused the delay?” or “How do you feel about the feedback I’ve given?”
5. Timing and Environment Matter: Choose an appropriate time and setting for giving feedback. Avoid public spaces or stressful moments. A private, calm environment can help the person feel more secure and open to feedback.
6. Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, shift the conversation toward finding solutions and making improvements. Collaborate with the person to come up with actionable steps they can take. This approach emphasizes growth rather than fault.

What Not to Do When Giving Feedback

1. Avoid Blame and Judgment: Refrain from using accusatory language or making judgments about the person’s character. Statements like “You’re lazy” or “You never care about your work” are likely to provoke defensiveness and shut down constructive dialogue.
2. Don’t Overwhelm with Too Much Feedback: Giving too much feedback at once can overwhelm the person and make them feel attacked. Prioritize the most important points and address them one at a time.
3. Avoid Negative Body Language: Nonverbal cues like crossing your arms, sighing, or rolling your eyes can convey negativity and condescension. Be mindful of your body language to ensure it aligns with the supportive tone of your words.
4. Don’t Make It Personal: Keep the feedback focused on actions and outcomes rather than personal attributes. Avoid statements that make the person feel that their worth or identity is being criticized.
5. Avoid Surprises: Don’t wait until a formal review or a crisis to give feedback. Regular, ongoing feedback helps normalize the process and reduces the likelihood of defensiveness when more significant issues arise.

Part of giving feedback successfully is understanding how your own personal behaviors and traits might be showing up in the conversation. To help you discover your own personality type, behaviors, strengths and weaknesses I am offering two assessments: The DISC Assessment and VIA strengths assessment to you, for free! Grab them now by clicking here.